The College of Pastoral Supervision & Psychotherapy is a theologically based covenant community, dedicated to "recovery of the soul" and promoting competency in the clinical pastoral field.
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I am sitting on the edge of a hospital bed. The bed across from me is made with the obligatory quilt and stuffed animal on the pillow. The space is cluttered with the remains of a life forced to give up belongings, independence and the hopes of a long healthy life. The bed next to it is surrounded by padding on the floor to protect one from a fall, a symbol of both the fragility of the body and of life.
I sit with my mother now in the middle stage of Alzheimer’s. She too, is surrounded by what remains of her life: a silk flower arrangement to brighten up the room, a crucifix, a picture frame, a radio. Her bed is close to the ground to lessen the likelihood of a fall. Her closet, once filled with designer clothes and more than a hundred pairs of shoes is now two feet wide and filled with elastic waist pants and shirts that have become stained and beaten by the commercial laundry machines. Her shoe collection is now an array of slip-ons and Velcro strap shoes designed for ease and stability and definitely not for looks.
My mother’s disease has progressed rapidly over the last 18 months. She has gone from living in her own apartment, to assisted living and now a nursing home. She is relaying to me her boredom, depression and lack of meaning in her life. She struggles with word retrieval making it hard for her to communicate what she is thinking and feeling. Sometimes I can’t make sense of what she is saying. I sit quietly. She says to me “You’re not saying anything.” She’s right. I don’t know what to say. This is what brought me to Clinical Pastoral Education Training.
What started as a desire for skills, training, and knowledge turned into a unit of self-discovery, education, challenges and camaraderie peppered with moments of ultimate joy and appreciation to utter heart break. When I chose my site placement, a mother’s and children’s homeless shelter, I wanted something outside of my comfort zone to challenge me professionally, educationally and spiritually. Despite our obvious differences, our similarities as mothers created a space for trust and security which led to, not only moments of connection between us, but opened up a portal into my own struggles with transition and uncertainty, and magnified my frustration with injustice, inequality and bureaucracies. I learned about the world of domestic violence, sexual abuse and living in recovery. I recognized the effects of trauma in both the women and the children they were caring for. I was pushed to the limit of my emotions, and into the depths of my soul.
When I take on a commitment to education, I approach it with an attitude of “all in.” I embarked on my seminar experience with my peers and supervisors with goals of giving and taking feedback, active listening and self-care. What I didn’t expect, but what became one of my greatest gifts and lessons, was a “calling out” by my peers on what I felt was more of a personal/moral issue than about professional interaction with my clients. What this forced me to do was look at my values and beliefs surrounding my boundaries of ministry. It confirmed to me my passion for working on the edge, and in a manner that is nontraditional and uncomfortable for most. I have laughed, cried and confided my personal vulnerabilities during case studies, group and supervision. I have discovered, unearthed and addressed my own issues surrounding my pastoral authority, insecurities, innocence, defensiveness and confidence.
People in the photo: Back row, left to right: Ken Williams, Cesar Espineda, Charles Monaco, Andrew Harriott, Joan Alevras Front row, left to right: Elaine Barry, Lisa Mollusky, Maria Scaros-Mercado, Mary Barberio
Missing from the photo: Jodey Williams
My peers and supervisors have created a network of support, guidance and knowledge for me. I am proud of the work I have done, and the diversity of our group and our assignments. We covered a field of ministry from AIDS patients, the elderly, the sick, the homeless, the abused, to the wounded, the innocent victim and the invisible and forgotten.
As the mother of an autistic young adult child, I have had to fight for people to look beyond the diagnosis, the behaviors and the deficits to the person who lies beneath and who is loving and caring and shares the same frustrations and emotions as all “normal” beings. Boisen’s clarity of “the human living document” and the need to attend to the spiritual needs of everyone reminds me of the struggles I have witnessed in the world of the disabled to be understood, loved and cared for.
Watching my children maneuver through the confusing and sometimes tumultuous world of adolescence, and into young adulthood has opened me up to the world of uncertainties, fears and rites of passage. It has opened me up to understanding how important it is to have a spiritual companion and guide for that journey. Companioning my husband through unemployment, my son through a serious injury and my mother through the aging process has afforded me the opportunity to understand the struggles of life and the importance of faith and spiritual guidance.
Over the months of my first CPE unit, I have analyzed my relationship with my family and friends, my health, my mortality and the meaning of my life. I have not only looked at my clients’ views of the divine, grace, and providence, but I have wrestled with my own understanding of these and how they affect my life and my ministry.
I began my CPE journey looking for a tool to gain skills in dealing with some of life’s big issues. I didn’t think of myself as a chaplain, and didn’t think I would continue on past my first unit. I ended my first unit not only proud of the work that I had done, but proud of all chaplains and the work that they are doing. In the beginning, people would ask me why I was doing this and what the difference was between chaplaincy and “regular” ministry. I didn’t really know and surely couldn’t explain it. It has been a gift to discover the challenges and treasures of chaplaincy. As I came to understand the process and results of being an effective chaplain, it unveiled to me a world of joy and pain, pride and shame, success and failure and unending circumstances, possibilities and relationships. I am honored to call myself a chaplain and to work with amazing individuals within this community of the College of Pastoral Supervision and Psychotherapy (CPSP).
I sit across from my mother who is now in a wheelchair. There are no more conversations, and very few words or recognition. I still don’t say much, and much of our time is spent in silence. But the difference now is that the silence is not a result of my being uncomfortable, but of my understanding.
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Lisa Mollusky is an ordained interfaith minister from One Spirit Interfaith Seminary/One Spirit Learning Alliance in New York City. To contact Lisa Mollusky, click here.
The CPE Training Program was the first unit offered in this institution by Elaine Barry (SIT) and Cesar Espineda (TS).
Posted by Perry Miller, Editor at June 9, 2010 9:37 PM
